Why Can’t We

Well, fuck me if I’m wrong

But I’ve done it again

I’ve built you into an effigy

A brand new scarecrow

For the same silly little girl sadness

I came here to run away from

 

I have made you into an approval dispenser

And you still won’t dispense

You won’t dispense

With your pretentions, the ones

I can never decode

The same bursts of joy that I can’t elicit

Deliberately

The same cold and staring and so unimpressed

When I’m pushing hard to be manic instead of depressed

Slicing long incisions

Reopening old wounds

Just so I can turn myself inside out

To try to show you

I am not so bad

If you really

Get to know me

 

Could you really

Get to know me?

 

I want surgical lamps glaring

On all the parts of me

I want you to see

Everything about me

That ever felt flawed

I want you to see the beauty

Buried in the seam allowance I was built with

Stitch-ripper in hand

I am clawing myself to pieces

Searching for something deserving

 

And let me tell you something

Please let me tell you

Sit still

and leave your brain open like a cleared runway

Because you forgot that you told me

But I remember

That you understand about airports

 

Give me the chance I’m craving

I’m carving out extra room inside my skull already

To make room for new ways to love you

If only you’ll look at me

The way I dream of being seen

 

After every meltdown

You are pouring me tears and all

Into new moulds

Pressure and steam will make me

A new prototype in your image

 

But you are already mine

And I’m craving something from you

That you don’t know you have

You have power in your pockets

And I put it there

That first night, when you first held my hand

If you feel heavy

It’s the burden of a childhood you’re carrying on your shoulders

Weighing them down

And it isn’t yours

 

Freud was discredited

But his oldman outdated fingerprints

Are stored in my high school memory

Like so many phone numbers that belong to different people now

And my brain won’t forget the connection

It won’t forget the hurt of ironclad iron curtain indifference

And it won’t ever forget about you.

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